Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
