Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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