Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
