Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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