Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
