hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
