my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
