I never want to see another naked old woman again.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
