I'm eating all of the evidence.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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