You made me cry and you don't even care
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
