Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
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