Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
