I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
