I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize