Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
