I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
