let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize