nut hugger
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize