you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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