Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
