fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
