we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
sex in a hospital.. check
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
