He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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