I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
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