My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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