Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
