There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
