Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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