The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
