I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I can't turn off my feet"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize