I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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