she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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