i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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