Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Come see our sink grown plant.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
