I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
