I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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