Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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