11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
