plz talk dirty to me
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
