I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
you never un-have a 4some
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
