Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
