Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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