Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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