i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
