I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
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