my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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