He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
