I'm gonna have a badass scar
"it" just moved
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
