My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
