Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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