I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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