I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize