I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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