brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I would fuck him just for his dog
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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