He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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