I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
