i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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