you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
third nipple confirmed
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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