Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
This toilet bowl is my home.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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