This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
