I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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