chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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