I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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