apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
