I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize