Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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