Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
