FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
