Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize