I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
