a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
