I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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